Interesting times

Like the title says. interesting times.

I am back in the city, working in a bank selling insurance products, so thats good. My sales performance isnt going great so thats not so good. I've got a 6 month probationary period and I am on my 4th month, and so far i am not at a level that allows me to be accepted as a permanent employee.
It does worry me as VL is 3 months into her pregnancy. We're really happy about it, but we are also a bit troubled by our finances.

Adhd wise, I think I am coping well so far. I have gone off the meds, but by my own volition. I have stopped meeting the psychiatrist or should I say the sessions stopped when I left for the city, and by the way, so did the psychiatrist! I am still seeing the psychologist but i feel that she has helped me as much as possible for now. I am still impulsive and overactive at times, but the strangest thing since i got back to the city is how introverted i have been. I believe i have never been so introverted in my life. It's so weird. I usually am quite outspoken. I am usually very close to my best buds N and L, but i have not for the life of me met them as much as i would usually do in the past.

I am starting to live a monotonous life and i need to change that. I need to add more meaning and progress in my life to feel alive. I am doing something to achieve this, namely i will;

1. Eat wisely and control portion size
2. Rest well and sufficiently
3. Exercise and read 2 chapters from any book in a day.
4. blog more and write down my feelings.
5. take everything 1 day at a time.
6. everything i do has to have a purpose, thereby limiting the pointless activities.
7. pray and reflect
8. Live not for myself but for others.
9. Respect others

I am afraid and excited for the future of me and my family. I just feel that there are too many unknown factors but i remain optimistic about it because i know God is by my side and I will do everything with intent and purpose.

Melancholy

It's only midway through the day, and I still want to kill myself. It really seems like the easiest way out.
I remember the psychiatrist asking me if I was happy. Without hesitation, I answered with a resounding NO.

I normally count my blessings aka being grateful. I am aware that I should be grateful for a lot of things and I am grateful. I just DON'T FEEL GRATEFUL, and that is where my problem lies. To know and to feel is 2 different things. I am the porn star who is bored with a job other man would pay money to do the same thing. I know I am lucky to be doing what I am doing, it just doesn't feel this way.

Apparently ADHD folks have problem with feeling good about stuff. I just want this to end....and not end.

The feeling of emotion vs the logic understood is an everyday battle I have to go through each day. To continue to choose logic everyday is crazy. but has to be done.

Apparently the wife's mom went to a relative's place, and guess what? I am supposed to pick her up. Not that I have a choice. Wife got pissed that I was showing discontent. If she had a car, she wouldn't have asked me. The thing is, I feel like shit right now and have no interest in her or her family at the moment. It's really the last thing on my mind. I don't really want to be forced to be included into her family's activities. I really need alone time. I am trying to be in the right frame of mind. If I were to think of what I want it would be considered selfish. Would it be selfish to others if I put the needs of others above my own?

Tommorow is the wife's birthday. I have no interest whatsoever to celebrate it, but I still have to do it because, it's what normal people who are nice do. I have reserved a place in the same place we first met. Gonna cost money, and I haven't got paid yet. She is still angry at me. For being rude and for feeling the way I am now.

Looking at this, this supposed marriage probably will not work out as the wife doesn't seem to be able to cope with me, and I get that. I am quite a lot to handle on a bad day. I just want to go back, dig a hole and just go into it and disappear. I REALLY WANT TO JUST END IT....... Gosh. the emotions are just overwhelming. This ritalin 20mg Long acting isn't acting so long after all... maybe I need to pop one now. I will do just that.

Here goes. Just popped 2 pills 10mg each of fast acting ritalin.... now for the clarity.  Been feeling suicidal the entire day. Maybe this can help. Interesting to find out anyway. I seem to feel less moody suddenly and it's only been about a minute since I popped the pills. suicidal tendency, is not there now. Hopefully the heart palpitations will not cause me any problems. It's been about 10 minutes and all seems ok now. though I have to admit while the suicidal tendencies have dissipated, I am not exactly all rainbows and sunshine. Nothing to be happy about. Now, to get on with LIFE.

Impulsivity

Now that I am on ritalin, my world is a little clearer, and the ship has steadied a little. However for every advantage, sadly there still seems to be a little drawback as well.

While I am on my meds, all things turn out fine and dandy. No stress, I am in control (about 90% of the time, the other 10% is pretty much reactionary), and work seems to be improving as I get along with the day.

Here is where the problem begins, afterwork hours, when I am off the ritalin, I revert back to the ol' me, but with a vengeance. My impulsivity seems to more than I remember it to be. (Or is it the same, just that I never noticed it to be that exaggerated. I tend to overeat and gorge down. (Goodbye health!). I am really moody too to boot which causes problems of sorts. Just yesterday, a motorist was blocking the path of a route I was taking, and I cursed the life out of him (I am exaggerating.).  Now while that seems normal, I kinda ignored the fact that the wife and mom in law were with me!!!. Shit hit the fan because mom in law was surprised I was rude, wife freaked out because mom was surprised and she felt embarrased and humiliated by me for being so vulgar. I then proceed to buy excessive amounts of food for dinner, even though I could have gone on to eat very little. Suicide again reared it's bitchy face, and the thought of starving myself to lose weight came up. I even thought of divorce. Yeah. It was that kind of day.

Off meds, I can't predict what I am gonna do or not gonna do. Usually I am quite aware of myself, even when I wasnt on any meds. Being on meds have somehow lowered my inhibition because I don't really need to be in control on purpose because the impulsivity was quite easy to overcome.With the meds, I can guess it's like being normal. I really hope that's what it feels like.

Good news though, a few days ago, I went to the hospital to get fresh supply of ritalin and  to meet the Medical officer, and to my joy, it was the day the Psychiatrist consults with patient with doctors in training. Great. Spoke to her on a number of issues, all me related naturally. Apparently, I am setting my goals and standards too high and pushing myself too hard to achieve the expectation for myself. Well let's see. I want to be successful financially earning at least 120,000 a year, have a family  with 2 kids, a loving wife, a dog, friends  and family that I get along very well with, and contributing actively and positively in the lives of those I meet.It isn't very high is it?
Right now, I am earning 3000 per month, and my company owes me 2 months in back pay, I have friends that I don't meet, family and in laws that I can't communicate with, and contributing exactly zero in all aspects. The psychiatrist explained that so far I have come up with some coping mechanisms on my own based on the things i told her which is pretty good she said. She did mention I was really stubborn, for not listening to her. I told her I would leave this place to go back to my old life in the city when I became the NEW ME. She explained there is no NEW ME. just a me. Raining on my parade it seems now, aren't we doctor? I told her I looked at it as a New me, since I would have learnt new things and improved myself, thereby using the term New me would't be very far off. personality wise. I want to go back to doing sales and creating a better future and be financially independant. She mentioned what are the chances of me succeeding now, when based on past efforts I failed? I was in WTF mode, then realised for all the education she obtained, she clearly still had the mentality of everyone else. Just because I didn't do well in the past, does NOT IN ANY WAY REFLECT MY FUTURE. Change the methods, learn something new, do it differently. Not quit!!!!! She asked me to realistic about my expectations. I am honest about my expectations. Being able to communicate with people like a normal person isn't asking for too much, even in my condition. If I can live to be 35 , I sure as hell should be able to correct a few things and be able to speak to people without making them feel awkward as hell. Anyways, she gave me a stronger longer acting version of ritalin so thats great. Started it yesterday and it probably lasted about 11 hours. then shit as usual happens.

I am optimistic for the future logically, but emotionally I want to kill myself right now.Conflicting. That sucks.

will divorce beckon?

the tough thing abt living with Adhd is the communication with people. For me it is the hardest thing to do.
Apparently my words are not what i intend them to mean so the message i intend to convey is not the message people im communicating with understand.
i use the word frustration but it cannot begin to describe what i wish to express.
Just argued with the wife abt how her family is having problems with me and how that makes her feel. she wants to divorce. and its just about a month into the so called marriage.
its sad to hear that but i dont feel like im part of the family as im just the guy their poor daughter married.
at this point of time the thoughts of suicide reemerge. is it not easier to end the story now? there seems to be no point to the story. i really want the hurt and frustration to stop... but it always seems this wont be permanent.fuck you positivity. fuck you big time.

my magic pills

Snapped out of my emotionally charged few days.
back to normal.

I still can't sleep much still and waking up at unearthly hours. 6.30 and i am getting ready for work for a 20 minute drive to tje office that begins at 8am.

I have to take my ritalin 30 minutes before meals before i can feel it working. i noticed the meds don't work as well if i had something within the 30 minutes of taking the pills.

something i noticed too.
damn car is acting up as well.. and at a bad time. transmission and air conditioning is acting out. I got to take it to the shop and it is probably gonna cost me an arm and a leg.

Trust No One!!!

Back so quick, you ask? yeah.. that was the introductory blog to set the foundation to my life's story.

I live with my wife and her family as i moved from the city to work their factory in a small town. Last night, after a good day's work, I drove home from work and cleaned up preparing to go out with her folks for dinner. As usual, i brought my phone, wallet and housekeys and put 'em in my pocket or so I think. (I wasn't on my medication at the time.). As we were leaving home, i think i felt my pockets and my keys were gone. I.didn't think too much of it till the next day since my dad in law was driving.
Being me, I always put my stuff in the same place as a matter of habit, considering my forgetfulness. I could not find my keys anywhere. I searched and back tracked, looking at the places i would have been, but it was nowhere to be seen. Now if i misplaced my own stuff, I won't be too upset because it is my own fault. I have occassionally put things where they should not be at times, and not realise it because my mind was distracted with other things at the time.

If others moved my things without informing me, i would be furious because i wouldn't be able to locate what was looking for and had to start thinking, back tracking, the whole 9 yards which is a lot of effort. try remembering something you forget multiplied by a lot. again.
I spent the entire day at home the next day mostly (except i took my in laws car out to the office to look for my keys.). I spent a lot of time relaxing my mind via some pointless games that do not require attention and then looking for the keys. I had some doubts if i had misplaced the keys or it was intentionally kept hidden from me. I have no evidence of the latter. Mom in law was teaching an old dog new tricks ( like i do not know how to back track. The family does not know of my condition except my wife. They wouldn't understand. I believe they will call it an excuse to be lazy.) wife was telling me it must be in the house.
I went to bed and voila. what do you know? wife wakes me asking if i am goinf to work. I said i would if i could. BANG! she says the keys are in her bag. i checked them yesterday and they weren't there before.
I go down and grab the keys and get ready to go to work. mom in law says why do i look so happy, not noticing i am furious and suspicious. I say the keys suddenly appeared. Captain Obvious tells her husband that i am pissed. Dad in law tells me that i left the keys in his car, in the one place i didn't notice or checked. the passenger door slot. I feel lied to and at the same time unsure if they are being honest due to a few reasons.
1. dad in law came back really late. he normally places his keys in a drawer.
2. He never comes up to my/wife's room in the middle of the night for anything. ANYTHING.

so imagine my suspicion of the little likelihood that he would come upstairs to wake us up and pass the keys to us in the middle of the night. He would put the keys in the drawer and just inform us in the morning. It all reeks. wife doesn't say much about the keys which is equally unusual considering she would make some passing remark about me forgetting the keys. Clearly she noticed I was furious and stayed all mum about it.

I was and still upset. mom in law as nice as she is, has a manipulative streak in her. Dad in law is playful and mischievous. wife i believe wants me home and not go out. all of them have an agenda. Wife knows i have trouble trusting her or anyone for that matter.

I can't say for sure if it's me forgetting or me being made to feel i forgot. Either way I further reinforces my distrust of others. I have 3 friends I trust completely. why do you ask? I trust them because of they would not benefit from telling me the truth or lying to me. it would serve them no purpose at all. what about my own family? certainly i can trust them you say. Well I could, Could being the operative word here. My dad died in 2003 and I am left with my mom and epileptic brother with the attitude of a 9 year old. Adhd is hereditary meaning you can only get it from one or both of your parents. Guess what? my dad was an airforce pilot and great at maths, and when he left the service became a sales person and worked in the hydraulic pumps manufacturing industry.He worked his way up to a sales manager in a multi national corporation, though he lacked the paper qualifications, he made it on sheer concentration and understanding of a mechanical contraption equalling an engineer. My point? I got Adhd from my mom.

Can't trust anyone. wife is possibly influenced by her family. wish i could. would love to. but cant. It seems like i am blaming my in laws and wife. That's partly true. While i believe it to be them. I cannot say without a doubt it wasn't me. I can't be going through life feeling like this. I wouln't want to bring kids into this world if I can't manage myself.
I would rather screw up based on my own trial and error than trust a person who has an agenda that may or may not be to my betterment.
Wife just recently accepted that i have this condition. Her first reaction was it was an excuse for me to be what I was. Until she read more about it, which i truly appreciate. These days she is the Jiminy Cricket to my Pinocchio. I can't read others because I couldn't care to do so. Sometimes when she does tell me to behave a certain 'acceptable' or 'normal' way, i feel controlled in the worst way possible and i fight back. I do not in anyway feel supported, logically she may be doing what she is out of love and only doing what she can, as best she can.

Shit. is this going down the path of divorce. again?

My mind is a big ol' jigsaw puzzle

The story of my life.  Where do i begin to start. screw it. start now and start today. I am 35yrs old, and i have adhd.

what is adhd you might ask? its Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. In short it means I am a slacker, biologically.

I read about and it found out that normal folks like you and not me have loads of this brain juice called Dopamine that enables you to focus, pay attention and basically do normal things.

My brain apparently doesnt have enough of this Dopamine and as a result, over the past 30 past years what people see in me  is forgetfulness, inability to focus nor pay attention to the things that aren't interesting to me, and hyperfocus on things that do interest me, i am easily distracted, experience mood swings, i possess the inability to socialise properly or catch social cues, makes careless mistakes, experience bouts of depression that sometimes lead to suicidal thoughts,talking the heck out of you, poor ass organiser, the inability to trust anyone and inability to tell a proper story in sequence, and that's just the starters. (go google it to learn more. my ability to keep writing like this is limited) To me?, that's a normal day all i know.

I have been called lazy, useless, incorrigible, hopeless, forgetful, not interested, stupid, and a whole bunch of other creative names. imagine what that does to you over 30 years. It's not like I had any encouragement then or now. It would be nice though. Oh well, everything looks better in hindsight.

For many years, I tried to improve and address the problem. I tried everything i knew, from forcing myself to concentrate, taking notes, finding ways to remember things i learnt,  to stay positive in the midst of experiencing mood swings, overcoming the incredible urge to look at the worst life has to offer and so on. Pretty dark shit some might say. I agree. I did successfully manage to cope in some ways. I am perceived by friends to be the funny and fun loving comedian, happy go lucky guy that is a little eccentric/ weird what have you. I found that making others laugh was my escape from my own personal gloom. Movies too!, for 90 minutes to a 120minutes, i had my escape from reality. Long drives were great for me to let my mind wander harmlessly. sometimes great ideas came from it. So imagine trying to solve a problem you had no solution to. I once considered myself dumb, but quite quickly dismissed it considering i was pretty knowledgeable on many things to a certain extent.

Think of it this way. your brain is like a good ol' reliable toyota. As your brain cruises along the highway of thought and as you think of something important, you stop to ponder and your brain slows down to process/appreciate it.

My brain on the other hand is a Nascar/ Formula 1 car travelling down the same highway. Not only am i going too fast to catch the view, it has no brakes. Yes. take a minute to process that and multiply that by a lot. Imagining sex and having sex are worlds apart in case u think you really can imagine that you normal person you.

It was not until recently that i read about adhd for the 3rd time in a few years that i actually kept up the attention to research further online. I cried when i saw the symptoms listed. it was like the website was telling me about me. I got a friend to assist and arrange an appointment with the doctors and Voila. Only adult adhd patient in that area!

I cannot keep a job for long for the life of me, as I couldn't keep myself interested. 14-15 jobs (i don't keep track anymore because I don't give any more *insert profanity of choice here*. I am now working as an operations manager in a factory, where my very skills of organisation and planning will be challenged. On any other day, this would be considered more than I can handle but I have been getting some help from the friendly neighbourhood psychologists and been prescribed some 'normal pills' aka ritalin.  What this drug does is help me concentrate better and pay attention and helps with the mood swings, and generally making life better to live. I am also a distributor of supplements but that is pretty much on hold right now as I choosing to put that much on my plate right now.

It is a challenge and one I intend to overcome.