Back so quick, you ask? yeah.. that was the introductory blog to set the foundation to my life's story.
I live with my wife and her family as i moved from the city to work their factory in a small town. Last night, after a good day's work, I drove home from work and cleaned up preparing to go out with her folks for dinner. As usual, i brought my phone, wallet and housekeys and put 'em in my pocket or so I think. (I wasn't on my medication at the time.). As we were leaving home, i think i felt my pockets and my keys were gone. I.didn't think too much of it till the next day since my dad in law was driving.
Being me, I always put my stuff in the same place as a matter of habit, considering my forgetfulness. I could not find my keys anywhere. I searched and back tracked, looking at the places i would have been, but it was nowhere to be seen. Now if i misplaced my own stuff, I won't be too upset because it is my own fault. I have occassionally put things where they should not be at times, and not realise it because my mind was distracted with other things at the time.
If others moved my things without informing me, i would be furious because i wouldn't be able to locate what was looking for and had to start thinking, back tracking, the whole 9 yards which is a lot of effort. try remembering something you forget multiplied by a lot. again.
I spent the entire day at home the next day mostly (except i took my in laws car out to the office to look for my keys.). I spent a lot of time relaxing my mind via some pointless games that do not require attention and then looking for the keys. I had some doubts if i had misplaced the keys or it was intentionally kept hidden from me. I have no evidence of the latter. Mom in law was teaching an old dog new tricks ( like i do not know how to back track. The family does not know of my condition except my wife. They wouldn't understand. I believe they will call it an excuse to be lazy.) wife was telling me it must be in the house.
I went to bed and voila. what do you know? wife wakes me asking if i am goinf to work. I said i would if i could. BANG! she says the keys are in her bag. i checked them yesterday and they weren't there before.
I go down and grab the keys and get ready to go to work. mom in law says why do i look so happy, not noticing i am furious and suspicious. I say the keys suddenly appeared. Captain Obvious tells her husband that i am pissed. Dad in law tells me that i left the keys in his car, in the one place i didn't notice or checked. the passenger door slot. I feel lied to and at the same time unsure if they are being honest due to a few reasons.
1. dad in law came back really late. he normally places his keys in a drawer.
2. He never comes up to my/wife's room in the middle of the night for anything. ANYTHING.
so imagine my suspicion of the little likelihood that he would come upstairs to wake us up and pass the keys to us in the middle of the night. He would put the keys in the drawer and just inform us in the morning. It all reeks. wife doesn't say much about the keys which is equally unusual considering she would make some passing remark about me forgetting the keys. Clearly she noticed I was furious and stayed all mum about it.
I was and still upset. mom in law as nice as she is, has a manipulative streak in her. Dad in law is playful and mischievous. wife i believe wants me home and not go out. all of them have an agenda. Wife knows i have trouble trusting her or anyone for that matter.
I can't say for sure if it's me forgetting or me being made to feel i forgot. Either way I further reinforces my distrust of others. I have 3 friends I trust completely. why do you ask? I trust them because of they would not benefit from telling me the truth or lying to me. it would serve them no purpose at all. what about my own family? certainly i can trust them you say. Well I could, Could being the operative word here. My dad died in 2003 and I am left with my mom and epileptic brother with the attitude of a 9 year old. Adhd is hereditary meaning you can only get it from one or both of your parents. Guess what? my dad was an airforce pilot and great at maths, and when he left the service became a sales person and worked in the hydraulic pumps manufacturing industry.He worked his way up to a sales manager in a multi national corporation, though he lacked the paper qualifications, he made it on sheer concentration and understanding of a mechanical contraption equalling an engineer. My point? I got Adhd from my mom.
Can't trust anyone. wife is possibly influenced by her family. wish i could. would love to. but cant. It seems like i am blaming my in laws and wife. That's partly true. While i believe it to be them. I cannot say without a doubt it wasn't me. I can't be going through life feeling like this. I wouln't want to bring kids into this world if I can't manage myself.
I would rather screw up based on my own trial and error than trust a person who has an agenda that may or may not be to my betterment.
Wife just recently accepted that i have this condition. Her first reaction was it was an excuse for me to be what I was. Until she read more about it, which i truly appreciate. These days she is the Jiminy Cricket to my Pinocchio. I can't read others because I couldn't care to do so. Sometimes when she does tell me to behave a certain 'acceptable' or 'normal' way, i feel controlled in the worst way possible and i fight back. I do not in anyway feel supported, logically she may be doing what she is out of love and only doing what she can, as best she can.
Shit. is this going down the path of divorce. again?
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