The story of my life. Where do i begin to start. screw it. start now and start today. I am 35yrs old, and i have adhd.
what is adhd you might ask? its Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. In short it means I am a slacker, biologically.
I read about and it found out that normal folks like you and not me have loads of this brain juice called Dopamine that enables you to focus, pay attention and basically do normal things.
My brain apparently doesnt have enough of this Dopamine and as a result, over the past 30 past years what people see in me is forgetfulness, inability to focus nor pay attention to the things that aren't interesting to me, and hyperfocus on things that do interest me, i am easily distracted, experience mood swings, i possess the inability to socialise properly or catch social cues, makes careless mistakes, experience bouts of depression that sometimes lead to suicidal thoughts,talking the heck out of you, poor ass organiser, the inability to trust anyone and inability to tell a proper story in sequence, and that's just the starters. (go google it to learn more. my ability to keep writing like this is limited) To me?, that's a normal day all i know.
I have been called lazy, useless, incorrigible, hopeless, forgetful, not interested, stupid, and a whole bunch of other creative names. imagine what that does to you over 30 years. It's not like I had any encouragement then or now. It would be nice though. Oh well, everything looks better in hindsight.
For many years, I tried to improve and address the problem. I tried everything i knew, from forcing myself to concentrate, taking notes, finding ways to remember things i learnt, to stay positive in the midst of experiencing mood swings, overcoming the incredible urge to look at the worst life has to offer and so on. Pretty dark shit some might say. I agree. I did successfully manage to cope in some ways. I am perceived by friends to be the funny and fun loving comedian, happy go lucky guy that is a little eccentric/ weird what have you. I found that making others laugh was my escape from my own personal gloom. Movies too!, for 90 minutes to a 120minutes, i had my escape from reality. Long drives were great for me to let my mind wander harmlessly. sometimes great ideas came from it. So imagine trying to solve a problem you had no solution to. I once considered myself dumb, but quite quickly dismissed it considering i was pretty knowledgeable on many things to a certain extent.
Think of it this way. your brain is like a good ol' reliable toyota. As your brain cruises along the highway of thought and as you think of something important, you stop to ponder and your brain slows down to process/appreciate it.
My brain on the other hand is a Nascar/ Formula 1 car travelling down the same highway. Not only am i going too fast to catch the view, it has no brakes. Yes. take a minute to process that and multiply that by a lot. Imagining sex and having sex are worlds apart in case u think you really can imagine that you normal person you.
It was not until recently that i read about adhd for the 3rd time in a few years that i actually kept up the attention to research further online. I cried when i saw the symptoms listed. it was like the website was telling me about me. I got a friend to assist and arrange an appointment with the doctors and Voila. Only adult adhd patient in that area!
I cannot keep a job for long for the life of me, as I couldn't keep myself interested. 14-15 jobs (i don't keep track anymore because I don't give any more *insert profanity of choice here*. I am now working as an operations manager in a factory, where my very skills of organisation and planning will be challenged. On any other day, this would be considered more than I can handle but I have been getting some help from the friendly neighbourhood psychologists and been prescribed some 'normal pills' aka ritalin. What this drug does is help me concentrate better and pay attention and helps with the mood swings, and generally making life better to live. I am also a distributor of supplements but that is pretty much on hold right now as I choosing to put that much on my plate right now.
It is a challenge and one I intend to overcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment