Now that I am on ritalin, my world is a little clearer, and the ship has steadied a little. However for every advantage, sadly there still seems to be a little drawback as well.
While I am on my meds, all things turn out fine and dandy. No stress, I am in control (about 90% of the time, the other 10% is pretty much reactionary), and work seems to be improving as I get along with the day.
Here is where the problem begins, afterwork hours, when I am off the ritalin, I revert back to the ol' me, but with a vengeance. My impulsivity seems to more than I remember it to be. (Or is it the same, just that I never noticed it to be that exaggerated. I tend to overeat and gorge down. (Goodbye health!). I am really moody too to boot which causes problems of sorts. Just yesterday, a motorist was blocking the path of a route I was taking, and I cursed the life out of him (I am exaggerating.). Now while that seems normal, I kinda ignored the fact that the wife and mom in law were with me!!!. Shit hit the fan because mom in law was surprised I was rude, wife freaked out because mom was surprised and she felt embarrased and humiliated by me for being so vulgar. I then proceed to buy excessive amounts of food for dinner, even though I could have gone on to eat very little. Suicide again reared it's bitchy face, and the thought of starving myself to lose weight came up. I even thought of divorce. Yeah. It was that kind of day.
Off meds, I can't predict what I am gonna do or not gonna do. Usually I am quite aware of myself, even when I wasnt on any meds. Being on meds have somehow lowered my inhibition because I don't really need to be in control on purpose because the impulsivity was quite easy to overcome.With the meds, I can guess it's like being normal. I really hope that's what it feels like.
Good news though, a few days ago, I went to the hospital to get fresh supply of ritalin and to meet the Medical officer, and to my joy, it was the day the Psychiatrist consults with patient with doctors in training. Great. Spoke to her on a number of issues, all me related naturally. Apparently, I am setting my goals and standards too high and pushing myself too hard to achieve the expectation for myself. Well let's see. I want to be successful financially earning at least 120,000 a year, have a family with 2 kids, a loving wife, a dog, friends and family that I get along very well with, and contributing actively and positively in the lives of those I meet.It isn't very high is it?
Right now, I am earning 3000 per month, and my company owes me 2 months in back pay, I have friends that I don't meet, family and in laws that I can't communicate with, and contributing exactly zero in all aspects. The psychiatrist explained that so far I have come up with some coping mechanisms on my own based on the things i told her which is pretty good she said. She did mention I was really stubborn, for not listening to her. I told her I would leave this place to go back to my old life in the city when I became the NEW ME. She explained there is no NEW ME. just a me. Raining on my parade it seems now, aren't we doctor? I told her I looked at it as a New me, since I would have learnt new things and improved myself, thereby using the term New me would't be very far off. personality wise. I want to go back to doing sales and creating a better future and be financially independant. She mentioned what are the chances of me succeeding now, when based on past efforts I failed? I was in WTF mode, then realised for all the education she obtained, she clearly still had the mentality of everyone else. Just because I didn't do well in the past, does NOT IN ANY WAY REFLECT MY FUTURE. Change the methods, learn something new, do it differently. Not quit!!!!! She asked me to realistic about my expectations. I am honest about my expectations. Being able to communicate with people like a normal person isn't asking for too much, even in my condition. If I can live to be 35 , I sure as hell should be able to correct a few things and be able to speak to people without making them feel awkward as hell. Anyways, she gave me a stronger longer acting version of ritalin so thats great. Started it yesterday and it probably lasted about 11 hours. then shit as usual happens.
I am optimistic for the future logically, but emotionally I want to kill myself right now.Conflicting. That sucks.
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