Melancholy

It's only midway through the day, and I still want to kill myself. It really seems like the easiest way out.
I remember the psychiatrist asking me if I was happy. Without hesitation, I answered with a resounding NO.

I normally count my blessings aka being grateful. I am aware that I should be grateful for a lot of things and I am grateful. I just DON'T FEEL GRATEFUL, and that is where my problem lies. To know and to feel is 2 different things. I am the porn star who is bored with a job other man would pay money to do the same thing. I know I am lucky to be doing what I am doing, it just doesn't feel this way.

Apparently ADHD folks have problem with feeling good about stuff. I just want this to end....and not end.

The feeling of emotion vs the logic understood is an everyday battle I have to go through each day. To continue to choose logic everyday is crazy. but has to be done.

Apparently the wife's mom went to a relative's place, and guess what? I am supposed to pick her up. Not that I have a choice. Wife got pissed that I was showing discontent. If she had a car, she wouldn't have asked me. The thing is, I feel like shit right now and have no interest in her or her family at the moment. It's really the last thing on my mind. I don't really want to be forced to be included into her family's activities. I really need alone time. I am trying to be in the right frame of mind. If I were to think of what I want it would be considered selfish. Would it be selfish to others if I put the needs of others above my own?

Tommorow is the wife's birthday. I have no interest whatsoever to celebrate it, but I still have to do it because, it's what normal people who are nice do. I have reserved a place in the same place we first met. Gonna cost money, and I haven't got paid yet. She is still angry at me. For being rude and for feeling the way I am now.

Looking at this, this supposed marriage probably will not work out as the wife doesn't seem to be able to cope with me, and I get that. I am quite a lot to handle on a bad day. I just want to go back, dig a hole and just go into it and disappear. I REALLY WANT TO JUST END IT....... Gosh. the emotions are just overwhelming. This ritalin 20mg Long acting isn't acting so long after all... maybe I need to pop one now. I will do just that.

Here goes. Just popped 2 pills 10mg each of fast acting ritalin.... now for the clarity.  Been feeling suicidal the entire day. Maybe this can help. Interesting to find out anyway. I seem to feel less moody suddenly and it's only been about a minute since I popped the pills. suicidal tendency, is not there now. Hopefully the heart palpitations will not cause me any problems. It's been about 10 minutes and all seems ok now. though I have to admit while the suicidal tendencies have dissipated, I am not exactly all rainbows and sunshine. Nothing to be happy about. Now, to get on with LIFE.