will divorce beckon?

the tough thing abt living with Adhd is the communication with people. For me it is the hardest thing to do.
Apparently my words are not what i intend them to mean so the message i intend to convey is not the message people im communicating with understand.
i use the word frustration but it cannot begin to describe what i wish to express.
Just argued with the wife abt how her family is having problems with me and how that makes her feel. she wants to divorce. and its just about a month into the so called marriage.
its sad to hear that but i dont feel like im part of the family as im just the guy their poor daughter married.
at this point of time the thoughts of suicide reemerge. is it not easier to end the story now? there seems to be no point to the story. i really want the hurt and frustration to stop... but it always seems this wont be permanent.fuck you positivity. fuck you big time.

my magic pills

Snapped out of my emotionally charged few days.
back to normal.

I still can't sleep much still and waking up at unearthly hours. 6.30 and i am getting ready for work for a 20 minute drive to tje office that begins at 8am.

I have to take my ritalin 30 minutes before meals before i can feel it working. i noticed the meds don't work as well if i had something within the 30 minutes of taking the pills.

something i noticed too.
damn car is acting up as well.. and at a bad time. transmission and air conditioning is acting out. I got to take it to the shop and it is probably gonna cost me an arm and a leg.

Trust No One!!!

Back so quick, you ask? yeah.. that was the introductory blog to set the foundation to my life's story.

I live with my wife and her family as i moved from the city to work their factory in a small town. Last night, after a good day's work, I drove home from work and cleaned up preparing to go out with her folks for dinner. As usual, i brought my phone, wallet and housekeys and put 'em in my pocket or so I think. (I wasn't on my medication at the time.). As we were leaving home, i think i felt my pockets and my keys were gone. I.didn't think too much of it till the next day since my dad in law was driving.
Being me, I always put my stuff in the same place as a matter of habit, considering my forgetfulness. I could not find my keys anywhere. I searched and back tracked, looking at the places i would have been, but it was nowhere to be seen. Now if i misplaced my own stuff, I won't be too upset because it is my own fault. I have occassionally put things where they should not be at times, and not realise it because my mind was distracted with other things at the time.

If others moved my things without informing me, i would be furious because i wouldn't be able to locate what was looking for and had to start thinking, back tracking, the whole 9 yards which is a lot of effort. try remembering something you forget multiplied by a lot. again.
I spent the entire day at home the next day mostly (except i took my in laws car out to the office to look for my keys.). I spent a lot of time relaxing my mind via some pointless games that do not require attention and then looking for the keys. I had some doubts if i had misplaced the keys or it was intentionally kept hidden from me. I have no evidence of the latter. Mom in law was teaching an old dog new tricks ( like i do not know how to back track. The family does not know of my condition except my wife. They wouldn't understand. I believe they will call it an excuse to be lazy.) wife was telling me it must be in the house.
I went to bed and voila. what do you know? wife wakes me asking if i am goinf to work. I said i would if i could. BANG! she says the keys are in her bag. i checked them yesterday and they weren't there before.
I go down and grab the keys and get ready to go to work. mom in law says why do i look so happy, not noticing i am furious and suspicious. I say the keys suddenly appeared. Captain Obvious tells her husband that i am pissed. Dad in law tells me that i left the keys in his car, in the one place i didn't notice or checked. the passenger door slot. I feel lied to and at the same time unsure if they are being honest due to a few reasons.
1. dad in law came back really late. he normally places his keys in a drawer.
2. He never comes up to my/wife's room in the middle of the night for anything. ANYTHING.

so imagine my suspicion of the little likelihood that he would come upstairs to wake us up and pass the keys to us in the middle of the night. He would put the keys in the drawer and just inform us in the morning. It all reeks. wife doesn't say much about the keys which is equally unusual considering she would make some passing remark about me forgetting the keys. Clearly she noticed I was furious and stayed all mum about it.

I was and still upset. mom in law as nice as she is, has a manipulative streak in her. Dad in law is playful and mischievous. wife i believe wants me home and not go out. all of them have an agenda. Wife knows i have trouble trusting her or anyone for that matter.

I can't say for sure if it's me forgetting or me being made to feel i forgot. Either way I further reinforces my distrust of others. I have 3 friends I trust completely. why do you ask? I trust them because of they would not benefit from telling me the truth or lying to me. it would serve them no purpose at all. what about my own family? certainly i can trust them you say. Well I could, Could being the operative word here. My dad died in 2003 and I am left with my mom and epileptic brother with the attitude of a 9 year old. Adhd is hereditary meaning you can only get it from one or both of your parents. Guess what? my dad was an airforce pilot and great at maths, and when he left the service became a sales person and worked in the hydraulic pumps manufacturing industry.He worked his way up to a sales manager in a multi national corporation, though he lacked the paper qualifications, he made it on sheer concentration and understanding of a mechanical contraption equalling an engineer. My point? I got Adhd from my mom.

Can't trust anyone. wife is possibly influenced by her family. wish i could. would love to. but cant. It seems like i am blaming my in laws and wife. That's partly true. While i believe it to be them. I cannot say without a doubt it wasn't me. I can't be going through life feeling like this. I wouln't want to bring kids into this world if I can't manage myself.
I would rather screw up based on my own trial and error than trust a person who has an agenda that may or may not be to my betterment.
Wife just recently accepted that i have this condition. Her first reaction was it was an excuse for me to be what I was. Until she read more about it, which i truly appreciate. These days she is the Jiminy Cricket to my Pinocchio. I can't read others because I couldn't care to do so. Sometimes when she does tell me to behave a certain 'acceptable' or 'normal' way, i feel controlled in the worst way possible and i fight back. I do not in anyway feel supported, logically she may be doing what she is out of love and only doing what she can, as best she can.

Shit. is this going down the path of divorce. again?

My mind is a big ol' jigsaw puzzle

The story of my life.  Where do i begin to start. screw it. start now and start today. I am 35yrs old, and i have adhd.

what is adhd you might ask? its Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. In short it means I am a slacker, biologically.

I read about and it found out that normal folks like you and not me have loads of this brain juice called Dopamine that enables you to focus, pay attention and basically do normal things.

My brain apparently doesnt have enough of this Dopamine and as a result, over the past 30 past years what people see in me  is forgetfulness, inability to focus nor pay attention to the things that aren't interesting to me, and hyperfocus on things that do interest me, i am easily distracted, experience mood swings, i possess the inability to socialise properly or catch social cues, makes careless mistakes, experience bouts of depression that sometimes lead to suicidal thoughts,talking the heck out of you, poor ass organiser, the inability to trust anyone and inability to tell a proper story in sequence, and that's just the starters. (go google it to learn more. my ability to keep writing like this is limited) To me?, that's a normal day all i know.

I have been called lazy, useless, incorrigible, hopeless, forgetful, not interested, stupid, and a whole bunch of other creative names. imagine what that does to you over 30 years. It's not like I had any encouragement then or now. It would be nice though. Oh well, everything looks better in hindsight.

For many years, I tried to improve and address the problem. I tried everything i knew, from forcing myself to concentrate, taking notes, finding ways to remember things i learnt,  to stay positive in the midst of experiencing mood swings, overcoming the incredible urge to look at the worst life has to offer and so on. Pretty dark shit some might say. I agree. I did successfully manage to cope in some ways. I am perceived by friends to be the funny and fun loving comedian, happy go lucky guy that is a little eccentric/ weird what have you. I found that making others laugh was my escape from my own personal gloom. Movies too!, for 90 minutes to a 120minutes, i had my escape from reality. Long drives were great for me to let my mind wander harmlessly. sometimes great ideas came from it. So imagine trying to solve a problem you had no solution to. I once considered myself dumb, but quite quickly dismissed it considering i was pretty knowledgeable on many things to a certain extent.

Think of it this way. your brain is like a good ol' reliable toyota. As your brain cruises along the highway of thought and as you think of something important, you stop to ponder and your brain slows down to process/appreciate it.

My brain on the other hand is a Nascar/ Formula 1 car travelling down the same highway. Not only am i going too fast to catch the view, it has no brakes. Yes. take a minute to process that and multiply that by a lot. Imagining sex and having sex are worlds apart in case u think you really can imagine that you normal person you.

It was not until recently that i read about adhd for the 3rd time in a few years that i actually kept up the attention to research further online. I cried when i saw the symptoms listed. it was like the website was telling me about me. I got a friend to assist and arrange an appointment with the doctors and Voila. Only adult adhd patient in that area!

I cannot keep a job for long for the life of me, as I couldn't keep myself interested. 14-15 jobs (i don't keep track anymore because I don't give any more *insert profanity of choice here*. I am now working as an operations manager in a factory, where my very skills of organisation and planning will be challenged. On any other day, this would be considered more than I can handle but I have been getting some help from the friendly neighbourhood psychologists and been prescribed some 'normal pills' aka ritalin.  What this drug does is help me concentrate better and pay attention and helps with the mood swings, and generally making life better to live. I am also a distributor of supplements but that is pretty much on hold right now as I choosing to put that much on my plate right now.

It is a challenge and one I intend to overcome.