It's only midway through the day, and I still want to kill myself. It really seems like the easiest way out.
I remember the psychiatrist asking me if I was happy. Without hesitation, I answered with a resounding NO.
I normally count my blessings aka being grateful. I am aware that I should be grateful for a lot of things and I am grateful. I just DON'T FEEL GRATEFUL, and that is where my problem lies. To know and to feel is 2 different things. I am the porn star who is bored with a job other man would pay money to do the same thing. I know I am lucky to be doing what I am doing, it just doesn't feel this way.
Apparently ADHD folks have problem with feeling good about stuff. I just want this to end....and not end.
The feeling of emotion vs the logic understood is an everyday battle I have to go through each day. To continue to choose logic everyday is crazy. but has to be done.
Apparently the wife's mom went to a relative's place, and guess what? I am supposed to pick her up. Not that I have a choice. Wife got pissed that I was showing discontent. If she had a car, she wouldn't have asked me. The thing is, I feel like shit right now and have no interest in her or her family at the moment. It's really the last thing on my mind. I don't really want to be forced to be included into her family's activities. I really need alone time. I am trying to be in the right frame of mind. If I were to think of what I want it would be considered selfish. Would it be selfish to others if I put the needs of others above my own?
Tommorow is the wife's birthday. I have no interest whatsoever to celebrate it, but I still have to do it because, it's what normal people who are nice do. I have reserved a place in the same place we first met. Gonna cost money, and I haven't got paid yet. She is still angry at me. For being rude and for feeling the way I am now.
Looking at this, this supposed marriage probably will not work out as the wife doesn't seem to be able to cope with me, and I get that. I am quite a lot to handle on a bad day. I just want to go back, dig a hole and just go into it and disappear. I REALLY WANT TO JUST END IT....... Gosh. the emotions are just overwhelming. This ritalin 20mg Long acting isn't acting so long after all... maybe I need to pop one now. I will do just that.
Here goes. Just popped 2 pills 10mg each of fast acting ritalin.... now for the clarity. Been feeling suicidal the entire day. Maybe this can help. Interesting to find out anyway. I seem to feel less moody suddenly and it's only been about a minute since I popped the pills. suicidal tendency, is not there now. Hopefully the heart palpitations will not cause me any problems. It's been about 10 minutes and all seems ok now. though I have to admit while the suicidal tendencies have dissipated, I am not exactly all rainbows and sunshine. Nothing to be happy about. Now, to get on with LIFE.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Impulsivity
Now that I am on ritalin, my world is a little clearer, and the ship has steadied a little. However for every advantage, sadly there still seems to be a little drawback as well.
While I am on my meds, all things turn out fine and dandy. No stress, I am in control (about 90% of the time, the other 10% is pretty much reactionary), and work seems to be improving as I get along with the day.
Here is where the problem begins, afterwork hours, when I am off the ritalin, I revert back to the ol' me, but with a vengeance. My impulsivity seems to more than I remember it to be. (Or is it the same, just that I never noticed it to be that exaggerated. I tend to overeat and gorge down. (Goodbye health!). I am really moody too to boot which causes problems of sorts. Just yesterday, a motorist was blocking the path of a route I was taking, and I cursed the life out of him (I am exaggerating.). Now while that seems normal, I kinda ignored the fact that the wife and mom in law were with me!!!. Shit hit the fan because mom in law was surprised I was rude, wife freaked out because mom was surprised and she felt embarrased and humiliated by me for being so vulgar. I then proceed to buy excessive amounts of food for dinner, even though I could have gone on to eat very little. Suicide again reared it's bitchy face, and the thought of starving myself to lose weight came up. I even thought of divorce. Yeah. It was that kind of day.
Off meds, I can't predict what I am gonna do or not gonna do. Usually I am quite aware of myself, even when I wasnt on any meds. Being on meds have somehow lowered my inhibition because I don't really need to be in control on purpose because the impulsivity was quite easy to overcome.With the meds, I can guess it's like being normal. I really hope that's what it feels like.
Good news though, a few days ago, I went to the hospital to get fresh supply of ritalin and to meet the Medical officer, and to my joy, it was the day the Psychiatrist consults with patient with doctors in training. Great. Spoke to her on a number of issues, all me related naturally. Apparently, I am setting my goals and standards too high and pushing myself too hard to achieve the expectation for myself. Well let's see. I want to be successful financially earning at least 120,000 a year, have a family with 2 kids, a loving wife, a dog, friends and family that I get along very well with, and contributing actively and positively in the lives of those I meet.It isn't very high is it?
Right now, I am earning 3000 per month, and my company owes me 2 months in back pay, I have friends that I don't meet, family and in laws that I can't communicate with, and contributing exactly zero in all aspects. The psychiatrist explained that so far I have come up with some coping mechanisms on my own based on the things i told her which is pretty good she said. She did mention I was really stubborn, for not listening to her. I told her I would leave this place to go back to my old life in the city when I became the NEW ME. She explained there is no NEW ME. just a me. Raining on my parade it seems now, aren't we doctor? I told her I looked at it as a New me, since I would have learnt new things and improved myself, thereby using the term New me would't be very far off. personality wise. I want to go back to doing sales and creating a better future and be financially independant. She mentioned what are the chances of me succeeding now, when based on past efforts I failed? I was in WTF mode, then realised for all the education she obtained, she clearly still had the mentality of everyone else. Just because I didn't do well in the past, does NOT IN ANY WAY REFLECT MY FUTURE. Change the methods, learn something new, do it differently. Not quit!!!!! She asked me to realistic about my expectations. I am honest about my expectations. Being able to communicate with people like a normal person isn't asking for too much, even in my condition. If I can live to be 35 , I sure as hell should be able to correct a few things and be able to speak to people without making them feel awkward as hell. Anyways, she gave me a stronger longer acting version of ritalin so thats great. Started it yesterday and it probably lasted about 11 hours. then shit as usual happens.
I am optimistic for the future logically, but emotionally I want to kill myself right now.Conflicting. That sucks.
While I am on my meds, all things turn out fine and dandy. No stress, I am in control (about 90% of the time, the other 10% is pretty much reactionary), and work seems to be improving as I get along with the day.
Here is where the problem begins, afterwork hours, when I am off the ritalin, I revert back to the ol' me, but with a vengeance. My impulsivity seems to more than I remember it to be. (Or is it the same, just that I never noticed it to be that exaggerated. I tend to overeat and gorge down. (Goodbye health!). I am really moody too to boot which causes problems of sorts. Just yesterday, a motorist was blocking the path of a route I was taking, and I cursed the life out of him (I am exaggerating.). Now while that seems normal, I kinda ignored the fact that the wife and mom in law were with me!!!. Shit hit the fan because mom in law was surprised I was rude, wife freaked out because mom was surprised and she felt embarrased and humiliated by me for being so vulgar. I then proceed to buy excessive amounts of food for dinner, even though I could have gone on to eat very little. Suicide again reared it's bitchy face, and the thought of starving myself to lose weight came up. I even thought of divorce. Yeah. It was that kind of day.
Off meds, I can't predict what I am gonna do or not gonna do. Usually I am quite aware of myself, even when I wasnt on any meds. Being on meds have somehow lowered my inhibition because I don't really need to be in control on purpose because the impulsivity was quite easy to overcome.With the meds, I can guess it's like being normal. I really hope that's what it feels like.
Good news though, a few days ago, I went to the hospital to get fresh supply of ritalin and to meet the Medical officer, and to my joy, it was the day the Psychiatrist consults with patient with doctors in training. Great. Spoke to her on a number of issues, all me related naturally. Apparently, I am setting my goals and standards too high and pushing myself too hard to achieve the expectation for myself. Well let's see. I want to be successful financially earning at least 120,000 a year, have a family with 2 kids, a loving wife, a dog, friends and family that I get along very well with, and contributing actively and positively in the lives of those I meet.It isn't very high is it?
Right now, I am earning 3000 per month, and my company owes me 2 months in back pay, I have friends that I don't meet, family and in laws that I can't communicate with, and contributing exactly zero in all aspects. The psychiatrist explained that so far I have come up with some coping mechanisms on my own based on the things i told her which is pretty good she said. She did mention I was really stubborn, for not listening to her. I told her I would leave this place to go back to my old life in the city when I became the NEW ME. She explained there is no NEW ME. just a me. Raining on my parade it seems now, aren't we doctor? I told her I looked at it as a New me, since I would have learnt new things and improved myself, thereby using the term New me would't be very far off. personality wise. I want to go back to doing sales and creating a better future and be financially independant. She mentioned what are the chances of me succeeding now, when based on past efforts I failed? I was in WTF mode, then realised for all the education she obtained, she clearly still had the mentality of everyone else. Just because I didn't do well in the past, does NOT IN ANY WAY REFLECT MY FUTURE. Change the methods, learn something new, do it differently. Not quit!!!!! She asked me to realistic about my expectations. I am honest about my expectations. Being able to communicate with people like a normal person isn't asking for too much, even in my condition. If I can live to be 35 , I sure as hell should be able to correct a few things and be able to speak to people without making them feel awkward as hell. Anyways, she gave me a stronger longer acting version of ritalin so thats great. Started it yesterday and it probably lasted about 11 hours. then shit as usual happens.
I am optimistic for the future logically, but emotionally I want to kill myself right now.Conflicting. That sucks.
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